2020: A Tale of Hope For A Tumultuous Year
I turn 48 today. It’s time for my annual birthday reflections.
What a year.
2020 delivered some of the most dramatic highs of my life — New Year’s with the Fox family in Sevilla and Granda, Spain; an epic adventure with my best friends in Paris; a summer spent wandering the City of Light empty of tourists; a move back to Hawaii in August to be with beloved family — as well as the most dramatic lows in terms of world affairs. (Beware, this post contains strong political viewpoints.)
It has also meant being revisited by an old demon familiar, the one who whispers, “You are not enough.”
At the start of 2021, we are doing wonderfully, considering. We still have our jobs, we still have our health, we are surrounded by people who love us. Biden won and Democrats took the Senate! We are hopeful that the insurrection and Trump’s refusal to concede will lead to the Republicans at last distancing themselves from him. The pandemic is atrocious, but scientists have delivered and vaccines have arrived at record speed.
The kids are in school only two days a week, which frustrates us. However, we get a lot of childcare support from my mother and Jay, and we enjoy wonderful times with the extended family in the beautiful outdoors of Hawaii. The Joy Boys, at age 6, are a total delight, full of awe and curiosity, love and laughter. They simply adore their cousins. Kiran remains the Love of My Life and my best friend. Life is full of blessings
The biggest challenge I have faced personally in this 48th year of my life: Feeling that I am NOT ENOUGH.
Talk to any parent about life during Covid, and I assure you they will tell you the same thing. With kids home all or most of the time, and us suddenly in the role of teacher as well as caregiver, summer camp counselor, personal chef and cleaning person, pandemic parenting is a constant struggle. Kiran and I never feel we are doing enough to teach our children, whether in school or sports or nature. My temper has been short. I get angry, then get angry at myself for losing my cool, for not breathing and finding the compassion that’s right there in my heart.
But most of all, I feel burdened by immense guilt that I am not doing enough for the world. Sure, I write positive articles for FORBES about entrepreneurs and change makers who are doing good things. Sure, I try to cheerlead my friends and family. Sure, I sit on the Board of a non-profit, HOPE Foundation USA, that works with the street children of India, giving them homes, food, education, and healthcare, and also runs a hospital for the poor that has been critical in treating Covid patients in Kolkata. Sure, I donate to political causes.
It isn’t enough. Not given this world we are living in. It can’t possibly ever be enough.
The climate crisis has been eclipsed in the news by Covid, a global pandemic costing millions their lives and causing many millions more to suffer through loss of income, loss of their homes, food insecurity, mental health issues and more. The political landscape is depressing, with our own president inciting violence and a widespread lack of respect for facts.
Often, I wake in the wee hours with a pit of anxiety in my belly. I can’t sleep. All I can think is:
I must do more.
This translates into, “I am not enough.”
Thank heavens I spent years doing personal work because I have needed to tap into those resources in 2020. I am lucky to have written about and studied and read books for decades about Buddhism and self-improvement. Intellectually, I know that “I’m not enough” isn’t a helpful thing to go around saying to myself. When I was struggling in my 30s with divorce and a massive shift in my identity, my therapist told me to replace “I am not enough” with this mantra:
I am MORE THAN enough.
So, I do my best to engage in this ritual each morning. I practice fierce gratitude, reviewing everything I am thankful for. Then I take deep breaths and tell myself, “I am more than enough.” When I meditate, I like to think about all the pain in the world and do a Tibetan tonglen meditation: I breathe IN the suffering of others, I breathe OUT love, peace, and healing.
It helps.
“If you would like to be selfish, you should do it in a very intelligent way. The stupid way to be selfish is … seeking happiness for ourselves alone. … the intelligent way to be selfish is to work for the welfare of others.” — His Holiness the Dalai Lama
I am not asking for sympathy. Again, I am one of the lucky ones. The point of sharing is to say, I am with you. The Covid-economic-racial-political stress gets to all of us at times. The good news? We’re in this together. Just take a look at this local news story about my best friend Jen’s Hope Fence in Portland, Oregon for evidence of the good people are doing around us all the time.
Share with me your thoughts. I would love to hear from you. What are your ups and downs of 2020? And no matter what, know that I am sending you my prayers and hopes, my love, my wishes for your happiness and peace every morning.
